“Grieving the Loss of Normalcy During the COVID-19 Pandemic”
by Kelvin Chin, MA, JD, GRS
Executive Director & Founder
Overcoming the Fear of Death Foundation and www.TurningWithin.org
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist
First,
What is “normalcy”?
It’s different for each person. For some it may mean going to work or school every day, dealing with the daily commute, for others it is taking the children to school and picking them up afterwards, for some it may be alone time away from one’s spouse and children and now everyone is shut in (trapped) under the same roof and in each others space!
Each of us has our own “normal” life that’s been disrupted. And when that disruption occurs, discomfort sets in. And soon afterwards we start yearning for our normal life again. And then when that doesn’t happen, often overwhelming sadness and conflicting feelings set in. Sadness that we miss our “normal” daily life, and conflicted because we know we have to be secluded for our own health and others, but we don’t like it. Maybe we even feel guilty or selfish for feeling that way...we are conflicted inside.
Grief.
That’s what we’re experiencing then. Grief.
That’s the scenario that has happened over the millennia during the time of every pandemic that humankind has known. Smallpox in Ancient Rome, bubonic plague in the Middle Ages, flu epidemics in the early 20th century, and now the COVID-19 pandemic. To name a few.
How do we best handle that Grief that often arises, so that it doesn’t debilitate us?
First of all, we need to understand that a “loss” can be a loss of almost anything: our normal life routine, illness, death of a loved one, job layoff, divorce, no graduation ceremony with our classmates, retirement income loss, etc. And a pandemic like we are seeing now can cause any of those, and more.
Then, we need to ask ourselves — because the following is a choice:
“Do we want to recover from our grief and be more fully present in life going forward, or do we want to just distract ourselves from it temporarily?” Because the temporary fix is often the easy way out, but not the most effective...e.g., self-medicate with alcohol or drugs, binge watch Netflix, and the like.
But that’s just a band-aid. After it wears off, you’re still grieving. You still feel really sad, upset, and conflicted about how you’re feeling.
Before we talk about what to do, let’s talk briefly about what NOT to do.
Myths about Grief:
“Don’t feel badly”
“Grieve alone”
“Be strong for others”
“Replace the loss”
“It just takes time”
“Just keep busy”
Those common myths do not work. In fact, when people give us that advice, it often frustrates or even angers us. Because, e.g., we do feel badly, so don’t go telling me not to!
Another myth or misunderstanding:
Grief is not = to sadness
We don’t lose the sadness when our loved one isn’t here anymore. In fact, I think the depth of sadness is directly proportional to the depth of love we have for that person.
Finally, another partial understanding that can lead to unnecessary suffering:
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross did not mean for her study of terminally ill patients to become the absolute “5 Stages of Grief” for all losses...it was a non-scientific study (a survey of patients who were dying in a hospital). Groundbreaking for its time in the 1960’s when few acknowledged grief, but it was not based on a large group of people experiencing many forms of loss. She later said she never meant them to be treated like pillars of stone — stages that everyone had to go through when grieving. But her seminal work was key to moving forward our understanding about grief.
So...
What is “Grief”?
Here’s how I think of it:
Overwhelming sadness associated with a loss, and
Conflicting feelings caused by the change in a familiar pattern of behavior (mental, emotional or physical)
Key with #1 is reducing and eliminating the “overwhelming” part. We may never lose the sadness, e.g., I’m still sad about my mom dying suddenly during my 3rd year of Boston College Law, but I no longer have the overwhelming feelings of sadness that used to sometimes paralyze me.
And I have recovered and resolved the conflicting feelings I had over the loss of my mother — e.g., she would say, “Don’t waste your time coming to visit me at the (Norwood) Hospital! You need to study!!” So should I listen or should I go? Conflict. After she died, I was haunted by thoughts of “Should I have ignored her and visited more? It’s too late now!” Conflict. That conflict I’ve resolved. That grief I’ve thus recovered from.
What to do:
Acknowledge your sadness, confusion, fear about the loss or potential loss — do not “stuff” or bury your emotions—- it’s ok to be bummed out about your lack of normalcy, or no income and feeling insecure about the future. This is a worldwide pandemic and everyone is affected. You’re not alone in how you feel.
Talk about your feelings openly with someone you trust, who has a non-judgmental “listening ear” — e.g., a close friend, family member, or therapist.
Be in the present moment. If the loss is “potential” and not actual — e.g., about maybe losing someone — spend time with them now, even virtually on the phone or video — on FaceTime or Facebook/Instagram videophone. Or if it’s about “maybe” losing your job, remind yourself you have NOT been laid off and you are still collecting a paycheck.
Be honest with yourself and your feelings. I am not a proponent of ignoring reality. Yes, it’s often helpful to look at what we have, not what we don’t have. But when we are in pain, we need to acknowledge it, talk about it with others if we can. Not bottle it up and make believe everything is fine, when it’s not. (Trust me, I’ve tried it and it does not work!)
The Uncertainty associated with this pandemic is normal. Natural. Everyone is experiencing it. Again, you’re not alone.
Control what you can. And let go of trying to control what you can’t.
Take action. If you’ve been laid off, look for a job that you can do from home, at least for now. If you’re just at home and still will have your job later, exercise in your house or go for a walk in the sunshine. Don’t just sit and eat junk food.
Isolate yourself as we’ve been instructed, wash your hands, keep them away from your face, sleep more, drink more water. Watch less TV news. You have control of your TV remote!
“Turn within” through meditation or other means to relax and rejuvenate to strengthen your immune system. This is important to manage and reduce your anxiety so it doesn’t weaken your internal chemistry by triggering the “Fight or Flight” excessively.
Maintain perspective — during World War II we had 70,000,000 deaths worldwide. 3% of the world’s population died in 6 years. Today that would be the equivalent of 228,000,000 people. And even back then — as terrible as those huge losses were — the world rebounded fairly quickly afterwards. We have a strong human spirit worldwide that we should recognize and remember.
Those are some beginning self-help steps we each can take.
And if you’re still overwhelmed by the feelings of grief — the overwhelming sadness and anxiety about the unknown, and conflicting feelings about all of this — call me. I’ll teach you my “Turning Within” Meditation technique for free during this pandemic if you are a senior citizen, immune suppressed, out of work, or are sick with the virus. And we can also discuss how to recover from the conflicting feelings associated with grief.
At the end of this pandemic — and yes, it will eventually end — my hope is that it will inspire us to be less tribal. Remind us that we’re all human beings. The virus doesn’t care about our color, religion or beliefs. We all have similar fears, concerns, needs and desires. And in the end, making sure we all have enough food, shelter...and yes, hand sanitizer and toilet paper...is all in everybody’s best self-interest.
